Young love. The best and worst type of love. Both so young, naive and new to the whole term of what ‘love’ truly is. Innocent, juvenile minds and hearts are exposed to the cruel harsh world, walking through it blindly until eyes are set on solely that person. Eyes meet and butterflies flutter joyously within one’s stomach. That moment feels like a spark, a match being flicked and set on fire, a chain reaction that leads you to that very moment. Everything in that precise moment is forgotten and sight is set on the bullseye. Most young souls may call this ‘love at first sight’, but is it really? Of course childhood films also pitched in by flooding our minds with the illustration of love feeling magical and as a breath of fresh air, something which results in a happy ending. But that’s the scripted, fictional world and this is the relentless real world.
I remember feeling stupidly in love at a young age. Automatic smiles from ear to ear as soon as that special someone’s name appeared on my phone screen. Countless minutes and hours waiting for a text message response. Cold Shivers of excitement ran down my spine, like small grains of sand flowing down an hourglass, as soon as I heard the small ‘ding’ from my phone. I admit that all this sounds extremely ridiculous, but I was young and he was the first boy to ever show interest in me. I was blinded by his kind words, his gentle smile and his constant interest in me. This all felt too good to be true.
It’s crazy how everything can completely change in the blink of an eye. One moment I’m sharing smiles and laughs, and the next I’m blasting music in the shadows of my lonely room to cover up the sounds of sobs followed by tears gushing down my tender cheeks. The pain was even more because of the fact that I had been blind to not realise that I was used the entire time. It all felt as if I had been stabbed in the gut with a shard of my own broken heart. I was something that could easily be discarded and disposed of, something so worthless and meaningless that had already fulfilled its use and was then thrown out.
This moment was a turning point in my life. In some sort of twisted way I’m thankful it happened. I was able to mature, grow and learn from this experience. This bad experience shaped me into the person I am today, yet, everything also takes a toll. Aside from the positive side I chose to focus on, some light inside me burnt out as well. I have so much to give and so much to love, yet I can’t help myself from asking, why is it that I can’t accept that love and affection back?
What exactly are commitment issues? “Commitment issues are caused by fear. Fear of being suffocated, fear of being hurt, fear of settling for the wrong person, fear of missing out”. I’m not proud to say that I can entirely relate to this definition. Each time I meet someone new this fear eats away at me and causes me to push them away. It’s funny how one moment in your life can change the course of what is to follow. It’s not a feeling that completely takes over me, yet it’s a feeling that is locked up deep in my subconscious and just can’t be brushed away.